musings

What made me the kind of friend I am? I blame being a military brat. I am 41 years old. I have great friends that I am too scared to get close to. They’re just going to leave. I don’t ever keep in touch with old friends. Don’t be mad at me for that. Going to 13 schools in 13 years still scars me. That was so long ago but it was during my formative years. I can talk to anyone. But I rarely open up to anyone. I always fear that my husband will leave me. How can anyone possibly put up with me for 20 years? I can’t please my dad, how can I please someone who is not a blood relative?

I think, deep down, that is one reason I can handle being a teacher. Some students I have for one year and then they move on. Others may stick around for a few years but they will eventually move one too. I don’t get heart broken. That’s the way it has to be.

A couple years ago I found a group of friends that was amazing. I couldn’t believe my heart. I was opening myself up. Setting myself up for getting heart broken. Then, one day it happened. They had to move on. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know if I’ll let myself get that close again. It’s easier to keep things surface. Just become a great actor.

Going to church as been getting difficult. I’ve been there for about 10 years. I have friends but I feel disconnected. If I quit going, only God would notice. (I’m sorry to you, God) I was forced to retire from the military. No one noticed. I’m sure I didn’t notice when people left. I’m use to it. People come and people go.

I totally understand why one of my sisters has really shut herself off from ever getting hurt. I hurt for her. My other two sisters will never understand the pain. They suffer their own way. They cling to the friends they have. I cling to no one. Everyone is at arms length. Everyone

Being a military brat was a blessing for some things. I got to meet people from all over. I went to schools that were all very different from each other. I’ve learned to adapt quickly. I can help military brats at my school. I understand them. We come from the same culture but we have very different stories. I love culture. Lucky I live in Hawaii where that can be a good thing. I don’t judge my co-workers or students based on their culture. I try to understand them. I’ve learned so much about Samoan, Filipino, Hawaiian, Micronesian, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Mexican, Black, Okinawan, and mixed local ethnicities.

So, please try to understand the way I am. Don’t take it personal. I’m confident in some thing but overall completely insecure with myself and those around me. I’m sorry if I have hurt you. I’ve been hurt so many times I forget about others. I am socially awkward.

Thank you to the Facebook page “You know you’re a military brat it…” I really don’t feel like I am as dysfunctional as I thought. Thank you, Stephanie Martínez for saying it first. This has been great therapy.

I am a follower of Jesus. I believe He is God in human form. He is apart from, yet a single with God and the Holy Spirit. I believe He walked this earth and spoke the words attributed to Him. I believe He came here to rescue us from our sinful nature and ourselves.

 I believe in the big bang theory and in evolution. I believe in Creation. I do not believe they are separate. I believe there were dinosaurs, and they have become extinct as with many of God’s creatures here on earth. Just because they weren’t mentioned in the bible does not mean they did not exist. Gorillas were not mentioned. Sharks were not mentioned. Mosquitoes were not mentioned. Yet, we are absolutely sure they exist.

 I believe that when I die I have the opportunity to go to Heaven. I also have the opportunity to go to hell. Of this belief I leave to be a mystery. I cannot say for certain what will happen but and I am willing to state my feelings and let it be. I will wait. I will have faith.

 I believe that I have been told to love my enemies, as hard as that is to do. I believe that I should help those who are less fortunate than me, though I do not feel I do this adequately.

 Why do people feel the need to crush my beliefs? Why are nations afraid? Why are people murdered in their homes around the world just for believing? Why do people look at all Christians like they are blind sheep being lead to the slaughter?

 I’m willing to lay this out…

What if all that I believe is wrong? What if, when I die, I just cease to exist? What harm was it that I had hope and belief in something waiting for me? Did believing hurt me? No.  I no longer exist. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I was neither rewarded nor punished. I lived my life with a purpose and tried to not harm anyone. I am now just food for bugs and earthworms.

 But, what if I am right? What if when I die I am asked to answer for all my actions while here in my lifetime? What if my reward is getting to spend eternity in the presence of the God who created everything? What if my punishment is to spend eternity in misery? Then who lost? Not me. This is not the only reason I believe.

 I believe because God loves me and I will love him by doing what he has asked me to do. I am not perfect and will never be in this lifetime. Christians are human. We make mistakes. I make big, ugly, and painful mistakes. I get angry and lash out. I swear. I look at what others have and wish I too could have what they have. I definitely have not honored my father and my mother. I’ve wished bad things for people. I struggle with gossip and the honest truth. 

But, I believe that Jesus, the Son of God, paid for my sins. I don’t deserve it. But, He still did it. I am blessed. I am saved. I pray the same for others. 

I am not allowing myself to go into debt for Christmas. Not anymore. When I see something I think you’ll like, and I have extra cash, I will buy it and give it to you. Christmas isn’t about stressing and going into debt to show love or respect.

Christmas is spending time realizing that the God of the universe came to save us from ourselves. He became human. Completely human. The only difference between us and Jesus is his ability to not sin. He was a helpless baby. The was a young child. He was a teenager. He went though much of what regular people have gone through. He questioned his father. He felt sadness, anger, frustration, joy, fear, love. All that without sin.

I wish we as a nation would go back to that. I’m frustrated by the endless emails and commercials trying to get me to buy stuff. I refuse to be beat down by their tactics.

Merry Christmas! God bless you.

As a teacher I have class rules. Not only for my students, but for myself as well. Class rules are the normal… “no talking when someone else is talking”, “no gum”, “no swearing”. I also have a couple unique rules… “no stinky things”, “if I write it down on the board you will right it in your book”. I broke two of my class rules today. My students called me on it. I answered my phone in class. Well, I did explain at the beginning that I would answer if it was a call from the elementary school. Which this was so it was an exception. The second rule I broke today was having a stinky thing in class. To be honest, I didn’t realize how stinky red cabbage was going to be. But, to be fair, it was for a really cool “acids & bases” experiment. sorry to harley and kelsey for making you sick with the smell The last rule I broke today is a personal one. I have a few of those as well. One is “don’t add student on facebook unless they ask you to.” The one I broke today was, “don’t cry in front of the students.” I wasn’t bawling. I just teared up when letting my class know that I felt taken advantage of. But, in retrospect, it worked out for the better. They got to see a real side of me. I hope it makes a lasting impact in that class and hopefully in my other classes. It took so much out of me I came straight home after my stressful IEP and took a long nap. Only one more week until winter break. Whew!

Believe it or not, my favorite thing about this time of year is the music. Don’t get my wrong, I like getting and giving presents. I like the seasonal starbucks coffees. I completely respect the focusing on Jesus.

I love the music. I love the traditional. I love the contemporary. I love the interpretations of them both. I could listen to them all year long. But, it is nice that they go away and come back like long lost friends. Traditional songs are like your grandparents. They’re a little old fashion but cool in their own way. The contemporary songs are like your parents. You grew up being shaped by them and they rebelled against their own parents. The remakes take the best of both.

I could sing “Joy to the World” all the time. “Gloria” is beautiful even in calypso. “Silent Night”…

My contemporary favorites include: “Favorite Time of Year” - Ally + AJ “Celebrate the Day” - Relient k

OK… There are more than that…but, I’m sitting in my car writing this on my phone on the way to the Lexus Christmas party. Daryle is listening to the last UH football game of the season, and it’s really killing my music recall skills. Boo!!!

I’m sitting here in kapolei starbucks with jaden.i think I could live here. The music is so relaxing.would it be weird to move into a starbucks? There is this group of young guys having their bible study at the table next to me. I’d love to see our kids getting together to study. I miss doing that with my friends. There are so many reasons that would be something I want to do again. One, I feel kinda disconnected since david left. Not that he is so important that we fall apart, just that we were such a great team and now it feels hallow when we’re together. Wow! Sitting in starbucks made me all sentimental.

someone else got me to thinking right now… where was i five years ago and where did i think i’d be today?

i know that i had no idea that i’d be in the house that i’m in or at the job that i’m at. or that i would’ve met the awesome people i’ve met in the last five years. the one’s who’ve changed my life.

five years ago… let’s see… that was 2005. i was starting my second year as a teacher. i was the newly appointed advisor for the class of 2010. my own son’s class. the class that helped make me who i am today. all i wanted to do was work up at pearl city high school or stay at highlands. 

we lived on kaipuu street. we had been looking to move for years but didn’t. either we kept getting rejected for places to live or we couldn’t afford anywhere else. we were still making the $800 a month car payments and the $750 in rent. (yes, we paid more for our car every month that we did for our apartment) $750 for 500 sq.ft.! 4 people and WAYYYYYY too much stuff. 

if you told me then that i’d be living in ewa, i would’ve laughed. (no way am i moving to the leeward side) if you told me justin was going to graduate from pearl city high school i would’ve been happy (i must still be working out there) if you told me that i’d be the graphics teacher at kapolei high school and have some of the best students in the world i would’ve been amazed (what happened to madela?!?) if you told me i’d be on the youth ministry team and wanting to run a youth oriented coffee and graphics shop i would’ve fallen over. (WOW!!!!) if you told me that i’d have the best friends of my life and i loved them with all my heart, i would’ve cried with joy! (finally!!!!) if you told me that i’d be a special education teacher, i wouldn’t know how to react (OM….)

crazy what 5 years can do. i am such a different person. i’m a very happy person. i’m very blessed.

i’ll see where i’ll be in 5 more years!

• me: you can't be a witness for your friend. you're biased
• boy: no i'm not. i like girls
• ...
• girl: miss, what is fat i gue?
• me: what is what?
• girl: what is fat i gue?
• me: spell that for me.
• girl: F A T I G U E!
• me: <laughing> that's fatigue. it means tired
• ...
• boy: i went to the doctor yesterday and he put his testicles on my chest to listed to my heart.
• everyone: bwahahahahahahahaha what kind of doctor are you going to? do you mean stethoscope?
• ...
• student: the name of our group is eh-pi-tohm. it means the highest point.
• me: eh-pi-tohm?
• student: eh-pi-tohm.
• me: can you spell that for me?
• student: e-p-i-t-o-m-e
• me: wahahahaha
• ...
• student: you really need a t.v. in here, miss
• me: ** looks at 40 inch t.v. on file cabinet**
• student: when did that get in here!
• class: wahahahaha
• ...
• i love my students
• more to come as it happens